The Wizard In My Shed Read online

  Before Rose could finish, Merdyn strode forward with great gusto.

  “A rap, thou sayeth, sirs?” he announced. “Very well. Behold for your pleasure.”

  Then, to Rose, Shakia and Kris’s horror, Merdyn started to dance in his own unique way, hopping from his left to right foot and back in a most peculiar manner. Shoppers stopped and stared as his spindly legs took on a life of their own. He danced with complete abandon, as if no one was watching, which in my opinion is the best type of dancing. The sight was bizarre enough. But then he began to sing. Well, it was sort of singing …

  Remarkably, because of its quick delivery and staccato rhythm, and if you forgot the subject matter, it did sound a little bit like a rap. Merdyn flung his arms around like a madman trying to catch flies with his hands, then launched into a second verse.

  Merdyn built with speed and energy to a crescendo, like he was headlining Glastonbury.

  And with that, Merdyn sank down on one knee, head bowed and breathing heavily due to the physical exertion of the performance. It was like watching Michael Flatley at the end of a particularly vigorous River Dance.

  Rose, Shakia and Kris weren’t entirely sure what they’d just witnessed. Jim and Alan were gobsmacked too. But when a round of applause spontaneously broke out among the shoppers who had gathered to watch, they all joined in.

  “That was, er … very interesting, Mr Warlock,” said Alan, a little bashfully.

  “I agree,” said Jim. “More artists ought to promote the power of organic produce in their songs. I’ll download that when I get home.”

  “Good,” said Rose quickly. “Now if you don’t mind, we’ll just get our photo and be on our way.” And MC Warlock and his three assistants then stepped over the fence and walked towards the old well.

  “That was great. Where did you pull that from?” Rose asked Merdyn in a low voice.

  “Folk song,” Merdyn said, matter-of-factly. “Songs are songs. Words. Rhymes. ’Twas ever thus.”

  “What’s everyone talking about? That was the worst rap I’ve ever heard!” Bubbles piped up from Rose’s bag. Rose zipped it shut. “Er, hello? Hello?” came a muffled cry shortly afterwards.

  The eager warlock reached the old well first. He opened his jacket to reveal his herb belt with its row of little leather pouches which he’d put on under his puffer jacket. He stuffed his right finger and thumb into three pouches in quick succession. Then he started the incantation, with a look of dire seriousness on his face.

  “LYCIUM RISEARIUM ANGELICA

  FLOATISIS! ZEA MAYS, THUNDARIAN!” he bellowed.

  Shakia grabbed hold of Kris’s elbow. “Is there really a magic staff down there?” she said. “I thought you were joking.”

  Merdyn clapped his hands together, sending a puff of mixed herbs and greenery over the well like a magical cloud. But it wasn’t a normal clapping sound. It was more like a roll of thunder. BOOM!

  It was so loud, the ground shook briefly. He clapped his hands again. KABOOOM!

  This time it was more like a nuclear explosion. The glass in the windows of Accessorize This shattered, scattering shoppers in a panic. In a supermarket on the other side of the mall, a giant pyramid of baked bean tins collapsed, causing pandemonium in aisles six and seven.

  Everybody except Merdyn dived to the ground and clung on for dear life. Rose finally understood why Merdyn had kept saying, All those who know me bow down in fear. Seeing him like this it all made sense. He. Was. Awesome.

  Merdyn clapped his hands a third time.

  KABOOM –

  BOOM – BOOM!

  The earth shook again. This time, it continued shaking as debris from inside the old well started shooting out of it in jets. WHOOSH! At first, old cans of Coke and lemonade. Then coins, thousands of coins, remnants – no doubt – from the well’s wishing days. They blasted into the air as if from a burst water pipe, then rained down on the stunned shoppers like a thunderstorm of tin, copper and chrome. CLINK, CLATTER, OW! Then dirt and mud flew out of the mouth of the well at a frightening speed, splattering on the ceiling of the shopping centre and sticking to the shiny white tiles.

  From his prostrate position, Alan blew his emergency whistle and Jim ranted into his emergency police radio. “Help! All agents, help!” But the sound was drowned out by the powerful rush of earth slamming into the roof. Splat splat splat!

  Watching from the floor, his hair blown back by the sheer energy radiating from Merdyn’s hands, Kris turned to Shakia and said in a loud voice, “I THINK ROSE WAS RIGHT. HE MIGHT BE A WIZARD ACTUALLY.”

  “YOU THINK?” Shakia hollered back sarcastically.

  Finally …

  WHOOSH!

  An old gnarled bit of wood flew out of the well, darted about like an angry wasp, then thumped into Merdyn’s outstretched right palm.

  WHUMP!

  Another into his left palm.

  WHAP!

  Merdyn crashed the two pieces of wood together and a blinding light strobed outwards through the mall.

  Then, as quickly as it had begun, it ended.

  Silence.

  Rose stood up, blinking away the effects of the strobe light. Standing before her was a smiling Merdyn. And in his hand was a fully repaired staff – as noble a piece of wood as you could ever wish to see, with a proud eagle’s head carved into the top.

  “Thundarian,” he said, as simply as if he’d just made a boiled egg.

  The joy of the moment was short-lived, however, as none other than Sergeant Murray came running towards them, with at least a dozen officers. In all the chaos, Merdyn’s truckers cap and sunglasses had blown off and his blue eyes, hair and scraggly beard were now there for all to see.

  “And to think I was gonna buy your song!” said Jim bitterly with tears in his eyes.

  Rose was terrified as the ring of police closed in. She could see her brother and Shakia felt the same, and she didn’t even want to think about the number of nervous poos Bubbles must be doing in her bag right now. Merdyn on the other hand was as calm as … well, a warlock who had just been reunited with his beloved magical staff.

  “PASSIFLORA INVISIBLATA!” he chanted and banged his majestic staff on the ground.

  Sergeant Murray pounced on Merdyn and handcuffed his wrists together.

  “Gotcha …”

  But the handcuffs jangled to the floor. Merdyn had completely vanished, taking the others with him.

  The officers looked at each other and scratched their heads. Had that really just happened? Sergeant Murray’s police training, however, had taught him that there was a rational explanation for everything.

  “After them!” he howled. “They can’t have just disappeared!”

  But oh, Sergeant Murray,

  yes they can.

  Just open your mind,

  you silly man.

  Merdyn and Rose reappeared outside the Oldwell Shopping Centre. Rose looked down and watched in amazement as her legs returned, materialising before her eyes. Wow! How cool had it been, turning invisible? She’d been able to feel everything as she ran through the shopping centre. She’d felt her trainers on the ground, the air against her face; she’d even felt it when she bumped into an old lady, making her wave her umbrella at nothing. And yet … she had been totally see-through.

  Now she watched as her hand reappeared at her side, as if being coloured in by a computer animator. She checked her bag for Bubbles.

  “I just had a very weird experience,” her guinea pig said, a glazed expression on his face.

  Phew, Rose thought. Back to normal.

  “Rose, look!” shouted Merdyn suddenly. “The mean witches from thy school!”

  Rose looked around. There, among the shoppers fleeing from the mall, were Catrina, Andie and Tamsin.

  “Now I have Thundarian, I shall avenge thee,” said Merdyn. A fiery mass was already collecting at the end of his staff.

  But Rose grabbed his arm. “What do you mean ‘avenge thee’? What with?”

&n
bsp; “Well, I was thinking … a fireball?” the warlock said casually.

  “What?”

  “Too much?” The fiery mass at the end of his staff went out – POOF! “All right, then. I shall just give them the plague.” And he went to point Thundarian again.

  “No!” said Rose. “You can’t just go around giving people the plague!”

  “Well, thou art no fun,” he sulked.

  But Rose had bigger problems. Like, never mind Bubbles – where was Kris? What if he never rematerialised? What would she say to her mum?

  “Kriiiiis!” she yelled.

  Thankfully, at that moment, Kris and Shakia started to appear beside her. First their feet, then their knees, waists, arms and finally their heads. But her brother looked different somehow.

  “Did you … do something to your hair?” Rose asked.

  “We went via that hair salon, Hell’s Belles?” said Shakia, with a raised eyebrow.

  “It’s Crème de la Bear Hair Fudge!” Kris protested. “Do you know how expensive this stuff is? It’s not every day you become invisible.”

  Rose was pleased her brother was back, with or without his new hairdo, but a new problem had arisen. The police were now spilling out of the shopping centre in search of the Ornamental Garden Trespassers. It would be a matter of seconds before they were spotted.

  “We gotta move quick,” she said.

  “I don’t suppose you can make us fly?” Kris asked Merdyn hopefully.

  Merdyn smiled. “Of course.” He thumped his staff on the ground once more – BOOM! – then shouted, “TRILLIUM PEUMUS LEVITATO-US!”

  Suddenly Rose felt her entire body become as light as air. It was as if someone had turned gravity off with the flick of a switch. She looked down to see her feet rising off the ground. Two centimetres, then five … now she was fully forty centimetres off the floor.

  Kris was floating too. And Shakia. From inside her backpack, Rose heard a strange retching sound.

  “That was me being sick, just in case anyone was wondering,” groaned Bubbles.

  It may have made the guinea pig sick, but the kids were all smiles. Instinctively, they held hands and squealed in delight. First invisible, now flying!

  Best. Day. Ever! Rose thought.

  “Tell me, knoweth thou a forest near here?” Merdyn asked, hovering beside them. “I need to do some serious potion preparation for my battle with Jerabo tomorrow night.”

  “Clearwater Forest is that way!” Shakia managed to say, in between shrieks of excitement.

  “Then to Clearwater Forest!” ordered the warlock with great fanfare.

  Rose braced herself, expecting to shoot off at lightning speed like they did in Harry Potter. But instead they found themselves travelling at no more than two miles an hour, barely faster than walking pace.

  “Erm … Any chance we could speed it up, mate?” pleaded Kris.

  Merdyn looked shocked. “This is fast,” he said, as an old man trundled past them on a mobility scooter.

  “Mate, this is slow,” complained Rose’s brother. “It’s like escaping on a tractor.”

  “Or a steam roller,” Rose chipped in.

  “Fine!” Merdyn snapped. “THOU can do the next flying spell!”

  Suddenly the sound of police radios filled the air. Now that they were floating, it was easier for the cops to spot them.

  “Arrest them levitating layabouts!” Sergeant Murray screamed, scarcely able to believe the words coming from his mouth.

  Thankfully, Shakia had an idea. “My car’s over there,” she said. “Put us down and I’ll drive.”

  But Merdyn was having none of it, not after his experience in Dion’s Pontiac. Cars made him feel as sick as a dog. It wasn’t natural to go so fast.

  “Merdyn, please! Put us down. We’re going to get caught any second!” cried Rose. “And you haven’t even made me my singing spell yet!”

  I can’t imagine that any child in the history of humanity has ever begged a wizard NOT to fly, can you, even if that wizard was a warlock …? But I’m spoiling the drama. Where were we? Ah yes.

  Eventually Merdyn realised the children were right and they’d better stop flying. He reluctantly dropped them down (rather unceremoniously, Rose thought) and they ran for Shakia’s car.

  Sergeant Murray looked furiously around. With all the panicking shoppers trying to flee the mall he’d lost them again. Then he had a thought and a grin spread slowly, maliciously across his face.

  He doesn’t forget, he doesn’t forgive –

  this clever copper knows where they live . . .

  Merdyn the Wild was vomiting out of the window before they’d even got out of the car park. Rose had Bubbles on her knee, feeding him some hay, but she was worried about the warlock.

  “How far is it to the forest?” she asked.

  “Three miles,” Shakia replied.

  “I’m fine! Keep going!” Merdyn insisted before hurling up again.

  Suddenly, Shakia stopped the car.

  “What are you doing?” asked Kris. “He said keep going.”

  “Picking up my little sister.”

  Shakia got out of the car and – to Rose’s horror – approached none other than the CATs, who were walking along the pavement. One of the CATs was Shakia’s sister? Even Bubbles looked appalled. Especially when it became clear Shakia’s target was Tamsin.

  Tamsin didn’t look too happy about the situation either. Shakia had to drag her back to the car. Reluctantly, she squeezed in the back, next to Kris and Rose.

  “Hi,” she said to Kris grumpily. She just stared at Rose.

  Rose couldn’t believe she was sitting next to one of her arch-enemies. Out of all the CATs, Tamsin always irritated Rose the most because she had curly hair and freckles too, but somehow carried them off better than Rose ever could. She could see the resemblance to Shakia, now she saw them together.

  “What have I told you about hanging out with those two?” Shakia said to her little sister, looking in the rear-view mirror as she drove.

  “They’re my friends!” Tamsin replied sulkily.

  “I know a couple of bullies when I see them. There’s other kids in the world, you know. What about Rose? She goes to the same school as you, doesn’t she? She’s not a bully. She’s cool.”

  Tamsin looked at Rose, then at the guinea pig in Rose’s lap with a PINECONE stuck on its head. She guffawed. “Rose? Cool? Give me a break.”

  Shakia tutted. “Well, she doesn’t hang out with mean girls. SHE hangs out with wizards.” She gestured to Merdyn, who was still busy throwing up out of the window.

  “Warlock actually,” Rose corrected on Merdyn’s behalf. “Though he’s not at his best right now,” she added defensively.

  “He just made us disappear, then fly,” Shakia said.

  “Flying might be too strong a word for it,” Kris added.

  “I don’t believe any of you,” Tamsin muttered.

  “Then you’re even more stupid than you look,” said a squeaky voice from somewhere. “If that were possible.”

  “Who said that?” Tamsin looked around the car for the culprit.

  “Me.”

  Tamsin looked down at the guinea pig in Rose’s lap. Then she let out a blood-curdling scream.

  “What’s the matter? Never seen a talking … hang on.” Bubbles looked at Rose. “What am I again? I keep forgetting.”

  “A guinea pig,” Rose said, delighted that Bubbles had finally come through for her and spoken at exactly the right moment at last.

  “Ah yes,” said Bubbles. “That’s the one.”

  Bubbles talking was news to Kris and Shakia too. But at least they’d learned to expect the unexpected when Merdyn was around.

  “Are we there yet?” interrupted Merdyn from the window.

  “Almost,” said Shakia. “Just hold on.”

  Ten minutes later they were parked in a layby next to Clearwater Forest. Merdyn was mightily relieved to be out of the car, and ran into the forest w
ith great relish shouting, “Come, come! So many magical treats in store!”

  Shakia and Kris followed, but were distracted by their mobile phones. News of “an earthquake” at the shopping centre was spreading fast.

  “They’ve shut it down,” Shakia said.

  “Which is good,” observed Kris. “No one’ll know we’re skiving off work.”

  Rose was just behind them, putting Bubbles in her backpack. Tamsin was watching her every move. Rose wasn’t sure what Tamsin’s game plan was. Sure, she wasn’t making catty remarks any more, but if she wanted to be friends, she needed to work on her mate face.

  Merdyn stopped in a clearing next to a stream. The water was coming from the hills beyond Bashingford, and a small waterfall had filled a lovely pool, around which was growing some very healthy-looking vegetation.

  “Aha!” he exclaimed. “All is not lost with this world. Now, help me, younglings. Get gathering.” He got down on his hands and knees – no easy task as he was still in his super-tight jeans – and started grubbing about in the undergrowth.

  “Gathering what?” asked Rose.

  “Yeah. There’s nothing here but grass and stuff,” Kris added.

  Merdyn looked at them in disgust. “Thou knoweth nothing of nature!”

  “Hey! We know about the environment, old man,” said Tamsin.

  “Good,” replied Merdyn. “Then thou can tell me how many species of plant are in this clearing.” He pointed to a space around four metres square. It really just looked like your average forest floor. Part grassy, part muddy.

  “I dunno. Three?” voted Kris.

  “Ten,” suggested Shakia.

  “Twenty,” said Rose, sure that it was bound to be higher than expected.

  “One hundred and thirty-seven,” said Merdyn smugly. “And that is just giving it a cursory eye-sweep. Thou sayeth thou care for nature, but thou know not what it is! What it does! How MAGICAL it is! Thou art not connected to it!” He continued scrabbling around on the forest floor. “Look, foxglove – the flower of the heart,” he said. “Hawthorn – each one has a story to tell. Wood anemones – for digestion. Primrose, red campion, sweet woodruff, wood sage, fern!”