The Wizard In My Shed Page 19

  Uncle Martin’s arm was gone too. “We’re backtothefuturing!” he muttered to himself, almost certainly inventing a new word.

  Jerabo didn’t care about any of this. As he towered over the normal-sized Merdyn, he turned to the news cameras to make his victory speech to the world.

  “Hear this!” he bellowed. “After I killeth this pathetic wretch, I will be leaving this natureless world. And when I am gone, my progeny, Ju-lion—”

  “Ahem, it’s Julian, actually,” said Julian.

  “Oh. Sorry, yes. Julian will becometh thy leader. Consider him a good guy. You know, like Darth Vader.” Julian smiled and waved for the cameras. “Thou will doeth as HE says!” Jerabo went on. “Defy him at thy peril!”

  As Jerabo ranted, Rose was desperately trying to think of a way to save Merdyn. She looked at him for help, but he only dug his hand into his robe pocket, pulled out a pinecone and threw it at her.

  “Thou did doeth it,” he whispered weakly.

  Rose picked the pinecone up. What did Merdyn mean?

  Everybody around her had lost their heads. Her mum was crying hysterically. Her brother and Uncle Martin had almost completely disappeared now, as had much of her own bottom half. The remaining onlookers were shaking with fear. But as the pieces fell into place – her heritage, the familiar pinecone in her hand, Merdyn’s words – she suddenly understood.

  She grabbed her bag, pulled out Bubbles and attached the pinecone to his collar.

  Unaware of the gravity of the situation, Bubbles immediately crawled out of Rose’s arms to nibble at the grass under her feet. “Hm. Hm. Nice grass here. So varied. Hm. Bearded darnel, my favourite …” he said.

  I did it … I made the pinecone work again! Rose thought. Of course! I’m related to Merdyn. I’m W-blood. That means I can do magic too! But did that mean she – Rose the loser – was now the world’s only hope?

  She looked at Bubbles. He was too busy eating to come to her aid. Fat lot of use he was in the world’s time of need. Then something Bubbles had just said stirred a memory. Bearded darnel? . . . Where had she heard that before?

  Yes! She remembered now. When Merdyn had told the story of his capture by Vanheldon and the Vandal army, he’d made a stone spell from the grass that grew beneath his cage. If she could remember the ingredients, maybe she could conjure the stone spell herself. Bearded darnel, cocksfoot, clover, something, something …

  Rose turned to her schoolmates. They had been cowering behind the fallen stones all this time. “Listen, everyone!” she whisper-shouted, trying not to alert Jerabo (who was still making his speech). “I know some of you think I’m weird. And you don’t know how right you are. I’ve just found out I’m an actual witch.” Oh, witches grass, she remembered. Bearded darnel, cocksfoot, clover, witches grass and …

  “I always said you were!” sneered Catrina.

  “Pendulous sedge!” Rose said, to everyone’s surprise. That was the fifth grass! “Listen. With your help, I can stop this! But we don’t have long!”

  Her classmates looked at her – well, what was left of her – in silence. Just as Rose was about to give up all hope, a voice piped up.

  “What do you need?”

  It was Tamsin. She broke from the pack and linked arms with Rose. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  Shakia joined her sister with an approving wink, linking arms with Rose on the other side.

  Catrina and Andie were horrified. “Tams?” they yelled in unison.

  “Oh, shut up, you two shallow cretins!” Tamsin snapped.

  Shakia backed Tamsin up. “You want to spend your life being ruled by that blond buffoon?” She pointed at Julian, who was preening himself like a peacock as his great great whatever grandfather made his speech.

  “No,” they conceded.

  “Then listen the heck up!” said Tamsin, warming to her emancipated self. “She’s our only chance. Go ahead, Rose.”

  Rose forgave Tamsin everything in that second and threw her a grateful smile. Then she leaped into action. “I need five ingredients to make a stone spell and STOP THAT LUNATIC,” she whispered. “Five types of grass, actually.”

  “Grass?” said Catrina. “Boring. Shouldn’t it be, like, frogs’ legs and spiders’ webs and stuff?”

  “Who says grass is boring?” squeaked Bubbles indignantly. “There are twenty types right under our feet as we speak!”

  Ordinarily, being told off by a guinea pig would have blown their minds. But the class had just witnessed a fight between two twenty-metre-high wizards, so they took it pretty well.

  “All right, all right. Fine. Grass is cool,” admitted Catrina.

  “We need bearded darnel, cocksfoot, clover, pendulous sedge and witches grass,” said Rose. “Get looking.”

  “I want to help too!” said another kid.

  “And me!”

  “Me too!”

  As they got to work, Jerabo was finally finishing up his rambling speech.

  “… and so I shall leaveth my great great great etcetera grandson in charge. Obey him or die. I hope thou will remembereth me fondly. And now to put an end to my old friend, Merdyn the Wild!”

  Jerabo curled his giant hand into a clenched fist and lifted it high above Merdyn’s limp body, which was laid out on the altar like a sacrificial lamb.

  Rose clawed frantically at the ground, trying to ignore her increasingly absent knees. Everyone was looking up the different grasses on their phones and checking them against the plants underfoot. They had bearded darnel, cocksfoot, clover and pendulous sedge, but they still needed witches grass. It was too late though. Jerabo was bringing down his giant fist. Any minute now, Rose’s friend and great-ish grandpa would be flattened …

  But suddenly the evil wizard stopped. He wanted to say one last thing.

  “If thou would liketh to erect a statue of me when I’m gone, that would be nice. It’s up to thou, though. I do not wanteth to tell thou what to do but, just a thought. Now, where was I?”

  Little did he realise that his excessive grandstanding had given Rose and her friends just enough time to find the missing ingredient.

  “I’ve got it! Witches grass!” Catrina hissed jubilantly. But she couldn’t pull it out. Its roots were too long and twisted, like witches’ fingers, hence the name!

  Andie came to the rescue. She gripped the stalk with her sausage fingers and pulled it loose in one go. She threw it to Rose, who caught it and rushed towards Jerabo on her increasingly see-through feet, crushing the grasses in her hand. Was she too late?

  As Jerabo brought his giant fist down on Merdyn as hard as he could, Rose hurled the mixed grasses into the air towards the evil wizard and his annoying grandson.

  “HOLCUS STONERATA!” she shouted.

  Jerabo’s fist was inches away from squishing Merdyn when – *SHWINK!* The giant fist turned to stone.

  His spellbook, which he’d been holding all this time, shrank to its normal size and fell safely to the ground, where Rose quickly picked it up. With this Merdyn could get home and all would be well! She could already feel her feet rematerialising.

  “No! NOOOOOO!” cried Jerabo as he watched his giant arm turn to stone, then his giant shoulder, his body, his legs, his neck, and finally his …

  “NOOOOOOO!”

  **SHWINK* His giant lips and head turned to stone and there was silence.

  Julian looked very sheepish now Jerabo was incapacitated. He was just trying to slink away when – “HOLCUS STONERATA!” *SHWINK!** – Rose turned him to stone too.

  The police, the army and the millions watching on television around the world all cheered and jumped for joy.

  “Hey, I never did get that popcorn!” complained the President in the White House.

  “Bravo!” said the Queen from Buckingham Palace. “When is this on again?”

  Rose’s schoolmates leaped up and down with glee too, as only children who’ve just saved the world using plain old grass can. Then they all hugged Rose. Then Rose hugged he
r brother, and they both hugged their mum, who pulled Uncle Martin and Dion into the hug too. Even Shakia joined in, relieved to see that not only was Kris whole again, but even better, he had his normal face back.

  “So nice to be just really good looking again!” Kris exclaimed happily.

  Rose finally extricated herself from the group hug. She and Tamsin ran to the altar to help Merdyn up. Merdyn smiled weakly.

  “Well done, Rose. Thou did saveth us all.”

  Rose didn’t feel like celebrating. “But Merdyn, your magic has gone. I wish there was something we could do …”

  “So do I,” said Freddie, appearing at her shoulder. “A magicless wizard is sooo not bank.”

  “I’ve got an idea,” said Tamsin. “That spell has only been in his stomach five minutes, right?” Rose nodded. “Then let’s get it out.”

  But how?

  “Leave that to me,

  I’ve just the thing,”

  said Uncle Martin

  with a knowing grin.

  Thirty seconds later, Merdyn the Wild was in the back of Dion’s car with Uncle Martin driving, expertly and at full speed, in tight circles. Merdyn, of course, threw up the entire contents of his stomach. At last, the Firebird’s wheels spun to a stop and the pale green warlock fell from the back seat on to the grass in a dizzy heap.

  “What a day!” he moaned.

  “Has it worked?” Rose asked. “See if you can magic Mr Onetone back?”

  Everybody looked towards the silent Mr Onetone. Most of the kids had forgotten that their monotone teacher had been turned to stone.

  Rose handed Merdyn his beloved staff. He pointed Thundarian at Mr Onetone and chanted:

  “REVENTIM HOLCUS STONERATA!”

  Everyone waited breathlessly for Mr Onetone to turn back to normal. But nothing happened.

  “The disenchantment potion must have dissolved too far into my blood,” said Merdyn sadly.

  Rose was crestfallen. What a sacrifice the great warlock had made for her.

  But then …

  “Look!” shrieked Tamsin. “Mr Onetone is cracking!”

  Rose looked back at Mr Onetone quickly. It was true. Slowly but surely, the history teacher WAS cracking, turning from stone back to flesh and blood.

  “… I shall call security!” he droned automatically as he completed his transformation. Then he looked around at the carnage. “Did I miss something?”

  “It did worketh!” cried Merdyn. The bright blue light was coming back into his eyes as Rose beamed with joy. “Thank thee, Martin! I did never thinketh I would be so pleased that someone did maketh me sick.”

  “What should we do with these two?” said Rose, and she gestured to the stone statues of Jerabo and Julian.

  “I had better take Jerabo back to the Dark Ages with me. But first I will clippeth both their wings,” Merdyn answered.

  He poured what was left of the disenchantment potion into both stone mouths, then turned them back to normal. Sergeant Murray thought he’d do Merdyn a favour, and clamped some handcuffs on both their wrists too.

  “Just while that spell does its work,” he said with a wink and a wiggle of his moustache.

  Just then, Freddie ran up to Merdyn. “What am I gonna do without you, Merds? You’re my best client! You’re my ONLY client!”

  Merdyn gestured to the distraught Julian. “There’s a fellow over there that could do with some helpeth. His only crime was being led astrayeth by his wicked ancestor.”

  Freddie put his arm around Julian’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, mate, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. You ever considered acting lessons?”

  Jerabo burst into floods of tears. “I’m a normal! A normal human! ’Tis the end of days! Whatever shall I doeth?”

  “Worry thee not,” said Merdyn. “Evanhart and I will findeth thee a job. Cleaning the castle toilets, perchance? Now, the spellbook please, Rose.”

  Rose handed over Jerabo’s black and gold spellbook. Merdyn could finally go home. But looking around, Merdyn realised he had one more job to do before he went.

  He pointed Thundarian at one of the giant rocks that had been skittled like a bowling pin during his epic brawl with Jerabo. Then he performed a levitation spell. The rock creaked upwards, as if lifted by an invisible hand. Merdyn moved it carefully through the air and put it back in its rightful place.

  The TV cameras were still filming. Around the world, people watched in awe as, one by one, Merdyn put ALL the displaced giant rocks back in their correct positions.

  With one exception.

  Merdyn reached into his pocket. He took out the shrunken stone that he had stolen hundreds of years earlier, on to which he had carved Evanhart’s face. With a flick of his wrist, he magicked it back to its original size and zapped it back to the place he had taken it from.

  Rose couldn’t believe it. “YOU took the missing rock?” she said to Merdyn, appalled. “Your people must have been very cross with you!”

  “Why do you think they did wanteth rid of me?” Merdyn chortled.

  When Mr Onetone saw the rock float back into its rightful place, his voice finally broke into an excited shriek.

  “The missing stone!” he squeaked. “The world is saved!”

  And if only that were so, dear reader. But it saddens me to say that the druids were wrong. There is no miracle cure for the world’s ills. But let me tell you this. With the entire planet watching this extraordinary spectacle on TV, everyone had become just that little bit more aware that we are more than a collection of separate countries and races. We are all connected. We are all one. We are nature and nature is us. All bumbling along together, trying to live our best lives. And all we need to make that a tiny bit easier is a little magic in our lives.

  And I’ll add one more thing. Everyone was a little nicer to each other from that moment on. Well, for a while anyway.

  The one person who was not so pleased with the day’s events was the souvenir-shop artist. He had just finished his first model of the new Stonehenge, with the stones scattered around the circle. Now he looked out of the window and saw it was back to normal. “Make up your minds!” he bellowed before smashing the new model to pieces.

  Merdyn started his goodbyes. First to Suzy, who had by now forgiven him for everything. Merdyn slipped her a little potion bottle as she gave him a hug.

  “A singing spell,” he whispered. “Just in case you want to start again.”

  Then Merdyn said goodbye to Dion, Uncle Martin, Kris, Shakia, Tamsin and even Bubbles. “Who are you?” said Bubbles, guinea pigs not being known for their long-term memories.

  Now there was only one person left.

  “Do you have to go?” Rose asked, her bottom lip quivering already.

  “Oh, Rose, thou knoweth I do,” Merdyn replied gently. “I don’t belongeth here. And I have much good to do. But I shall thinketh of you every day. I shall misseth you very much.”

  They looked at each other. Very soon, fifteen hundred years – twenty lifetimes – would separate them once again. Rose threw her tiny arms around Merdyn’s broad shoulders and sobbed her heart out. Her tears misted her glasses, forming two wet circles on the shoulder of his old purple cloak. How she would remember this crazy man who had changed her life FOR EVER.

  When at last they pulled apart, Merdyn wiped the tears from Rose’s freckly cheeks with his thumb. “My descendant,” he said, with the tenderness of a butterfly landing on a lily.

  “My great great great great great great …” Rose trailed off. “Could we just say Grandad?” she finished shyly.

  “I liketh Grandad very much.” Merdyn smiled. “I’m so proud of thee, Rose. Thy father would have been proud too.”

  Rose knew it was true. And as he said this, Rose could fleetingly see Merdyn’s resemblance to her dad, it was something about the warm glint in his eyes and quirk in his smile. Almost as if, just for a moment, her father was standing before her one last time saying, “It’s OK, Rose. Don’t worry. You’re goi
ng to be OK.” Then a second later, Merdyn’s face returned unmistakeably to his own.

  “Have a wonderful rest of thy life,” the once-warlock said finally.

  Rose smiled bravely. “You too, Merdyn.”

  Then Merdyn opened the black and gold spellbook and read out the Rivers of Time spell. “FRANDALIN BUGANTI RIVERO. CLOCKASHOCK!”

  The ground opened up in a green blaze like a giant emerald mouth. It swallowed up Merdyn and the sorrowful Jerabo, before slamming shut again with an almighty

  THWACK!

  The world watched in silence.

  It was done . . .

  Merdyn the Wild

  was truly gone.

  Merdyn was gone, yes. But a long, hard school term had ended and Rose had the summer holidays to look forward to, and some new friends to enjoy it with. She used the time wisely.

  Rose, Tamsin, Catrina and Andie set up the Merdyn the Wild Hospital for Animals in the shed in the garden. People came from miles around to have their pets’ most unusual problems diagnosed. With the help of her magic pinecone, Rose could talk to any animal to ascertain exactly what was wrong, however odd.

  “I think I’m allergic to carrots,” a rabbit with a rash would say. Or “ALL the neighbours on my street feed me,” an overweight cat would admit guiltily. “I eat fourteen meals a day!” Or even: “I stole four bars of chocolate from the fridge while my owner wasn’t looking, and everyone knows chocolate and canines don’t mix!” a poisoned dog would confess with his head hanging in shame. One of Rose’s friends would then write a note for the owner to take to the vet, who found the letters VERY useful when treating the animals for their ills.

  Rose’s mum spruced the house up before taking the old family photos and proudly hanging them back on the walls. She even brought one of Rose’s dad’s inventions in from the shed and put it in the kitchen. It was “The Mean Bean Machine”, a coffee-making device similar to modern machines except it was three times the size and three times noisier, but it made coffee three times better too.